Tuesday, October 26, 2010

so much has happened

Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dear Baby,
                So much has happened since the last time I wrote to you.  I do not know why it has been so long, but I believe it is because I feel you move all the time now so I just speak to you at those moments.
                But, I need to catch you up on all that has happened. 
                On Thursday, September 16th, your dad and I lay in bed and he had his head on my belly.  We were talking and laughing about life when he told me that he could hear you moving around in my belly.  I told him that he was crazy and making things up.  But as soon as he lifted his head… you kicked.  And, you kicked exactly where he was laying!  I just said ‘whoa!’ and your dad said ‘I told you that I heard the baby moving!”.  I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly and immediately you kicked again.  So, that night, for the first time… your dad and I both got to feel you move.  It was a moment in my life that I will never forget.
The following Sunday, my best friend Jen traveled two hours to visit with us.  Needless to say, your dad and her had a ‘little’ too much to drink that night.  But, it was entertaining for me!  They both talked about how excited they were about you.  Jen lay beside me and talked to you for about an hour.  She gave you advice and told you that she would prefer to be called Aunt Jenny instead of Aunt Jen. 
                The next day, September 20th, your Grandma Adams met Jen, your dad, and myself at our house and we drove a very long 20 minutes to the doctor’s office.  It was a long 20 minutes because at this appointment they would do an ultrasound that would tell us if you were a little boy or a little girl.  But before that ultrasound I had to drink 32 oz of water and hold it!  I was miserable!  And your dad drove, so of course he hit every pothole! 
                The ultrasound was very exciting! The technician looked you over from head to toe.  She made sure everything looked exactly the way it should… and then… with all four of us about to burst at the seams from excitement…. She finally told us that you were a ….. GIRL!
                I immediately looked to your father, who has only ever talked about having a little boy, and he just smiled.  I told him that he could still take you fishing with him and he would have to buy you a little pink fishing pole.  He just said, ‘I will buy her a pole and take her fishing…. But I will not buy her a pink pole.’  Ha… we will see.  I know he is going to be wrapped around your little finger.  Heck, he already is.
Your dad and I struggle every day with our financial situation.  No one is to blame about the situation that we are in except ourselves, but we have to find a way out.  After finding out that you are going to be a little girl, your dad picked up a second job.  He now works a midnight shift, 10:30 pm to 7 am, Saturday thru Wednesday.  When he gets home from work, he goes up to his shop and works on his own business till about 2 in the afternoon.  He then sleeps until 9 pm, and does it again.  I have never seen your dad work so hard, grow up so fast, or sacrifice so much.  He is a strong, brave, loving man.             
                Recently, you are moving more and more.  Your movements are so strong that we can see you move.  I think that you sleep most of the day while I drive for work, and when I get home and settle in for the night you wake up.  Your strongest movements are from about 8 pm to 10 pm. 
                I had another doctor’s appointment on October 18th.  Everything went smoothly and I got to hear your heart beat again!  It was 140 bpm.
                So far I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I love hearing your heart beat, feeling you move, seeing you move thru my belly, and seeing you on the ultrasound screen.  But, I hate feeling tired all day every day, having trouble bending over, getting comfortable in bed, getting comfortable in general, feeling ‘fat’ all of the time, not being able to shave my legs, being hungry all the time, and I miss being able to see my feet!  But, I have a feeling that this is all going to be worth it when I get to hold you for the first time.
After long discussions and debates, we decided to name you Bryson Lee Adams.  Bryson was my paternal grandmother’s maiden name.  Her name was Margaret Bryson before she married my grandfather Stanley Holdsworth.  Lee is not only my middle name but also both of your grandfather’s middle names.  So, there is a lot of history in your name.  And… a lot of love.
                On Saturday, October 30th, we are having your baby shower!  I am so excited to see everyone and to get started on getting all of the things that you will need once you make your grand arrival into our world. 
                Bryson, I love you.  We all do.  You have already changed our world for the better.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

why, how, when, where

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dear Baby,

Some things in life happen so fast that you can’t really recall what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. This week has all been a reminder of that for me. And for your father.

Monday was our two year wedding anniversary, which got me thinking about when and how I fell in love with your dad. I can’t really remember the moment when I realized I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to say that I knew from the first day, and I did have that ‘gut’ feeling, but as for a specific moment in time, I cannot remember. People often ask for reasons as to why I love him, and often, I cannot give individual reasons.

But, on Monday, I also got to return to the doctors to check on you. They did the normal exams and tests and then listened to your heart beat. It was 150 beats per minute. Hearing that heart beat was the best anniversary present for your father and me. We may not have a lot of money, but no amount could replace that gift.

Tuesday began like any other day, we woke up, said our ‘I love you’s’ and I left for work. My boss had asked if I could cover a route in Fairmont to help another driver, and I did. About 9:45 am that morning, after making two deliveries, a car pulled out in front of me and I couldn’t stop. I hit them broadside and then the impact pushed me into a guardrail. I got out of the truck with blood rushing down my left arm from the impact of the airbag. Everyone was running towards me. And immediately I started praying that you were ok.

They called 911 and an ambulance was sent. Meanwhile I had a lady who was there helping call your dad to let him know what had happened. He answered the phone and as soon as he heard a strange voice, started to cry. He said he knew something bad had happened. He jumped in his jeep and told the lady he would meet me at the emergency room in Fairmont.

I reached the emergency room and your dad was still not there. Meanwhile, the doctors checked my arm and did x-rays to make sure that no bone was broken. Finally, they listened for your heartbeat, I cried as they search, and I cried even harder as I heard it beat. It was the best sound in the world.

Your dad finally arrived. He asked if I was ok, as he looked at my bloody, black and blue arm, then with tears in his eyes, asked about you. We cried together when I told him that I had heard your heart beat. After we calmed down, I asked what had taken him so long to get to me. Turns out his day was going about as well as mine.

After receiving the call that I was going to the ER, your dad jumped in his jeep and headed to Fairmont. He made it onto the interstate and about four or so miles when he jeep powered off. He said he took a shirt out of his jeep and put it in the window, then started running. He ran over two and a half miles when a state trooper pulled up beside him and asked ‘where are you going in such a hurry?’. Your dad explained to him the situation and the police officer told him to get in. He so kindly drove your dad the rest of the 20 or so miles to the hospital.

Upon hearing this story, I asked your dad if he had just planned on running the rest of the way to the hospital. He just simply said ‘yes’.

Your grandma and grandpa Adams and your cousin Jon all made it to the emergency room also. My arm was not broken, just badly bruised. After returning home, we called for a tow truck to get your dads jeep and my mom came down. It was so nice to have all of these people around that love me, your dad, and you. I called my midwife to let her know what had happened and she returned my call this morning.

I went in at 10 am for an emergency ultrasound to make sure you were ok. Your dad held my hand the whole time. I was so afraid that you could still be hurt. But, as we watched you on the screen, we saw your heart beat, we saw you roll over, stretch, rub your eyes, and you even seemed to ‘wave’ to us. I smiled and cried the whole time.

In looking back over the last few days I’ve come to a few conclusions. Although I can’t remember exactly what happened in that car accident and I don’t know how exactly it happened, I do know why it happened. This whole pregnancy I’ve been asking myself if I was ready to be a mom, questioning if I was truly happy about you, ‘our surprise’. But, as I lay on the ground beside my truck, praying that you were ok, I knew at that moment how ready I was for you, how excited I am to have you be in my life, how happy I am to have been blessed by you. Never again will I question that. I can also tell you that I fell in love all over again with your dad that day. As he layed beside me in the hospital crying and telling me how he was running to us, I remembered that even if I don’t remember when I fell in love with him, I will always remember why. I love your dad because he is willing to run as far as he has to in order to be by my side… by our side. He doesn’t question what he is doing or how bad it is going to hurt, he just runs.

I can’t wait to see you again.



Current weight: 130 lbs.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

its all about heart

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dear Baby,

I had my second doctor’s appointment today. Your dad did not go with me, though he asked if I wanted him there. But, he had work to do and we need as much work as we can get before you make your appearance into this world.

The appointment went well. They ran a bunch of tests and examined me to make sure everything was going as according to ‘plan’. So far… so good. I got to hear your heartbeat again! It is so amazing to hear you. Every day I have to remind myself that you are with me, that you are my baby that I’m carrying. It feels like I’m dreaming and the only time I escape that dream is when I get to hear your heart beat.

The doctor said you have a healthy heart beat of 160 beats per minute.

Up to this point I’ve been feeling ok. I’ve had my days that I can’t get up enough energy to get out of bed and other days that I seem completely normal. Some days I can’t seem to get enough to eat, while others I take three bites and suddenly can’t eat anymore. My cravings so far haven’t been too extreme. Ice cream and spaghetti. But I loved those two foods before I was pregnant. I hope you love spaghetti too because it is the only food that I know how to cook!

February the eighth… that’s when the doctors are saying you will be in this world, in my world, and I can’t wait. You have already brought me and your dad closer and I did not know that was possible. You have also got the two of us to start going back to church. You, baby, you are my unplanned miracle, the one that I didn’t know I needed and you are already changing my whole world.



Current weight: 124 lbs.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Thursday, July 01, 2010

             Dear Baby,

Today…. I saw you for the very first time.

                I heard your heart beat.

Today… was amazing.

               I fell more in love with you today.

My doctor’s appointment was this morning. I had to miss half a day worth of work, but you where so worth every minute. Your dad and I waited almost an hour to get in with the doctor. (Well, midwife) First they had me pee in a cup (wish I would have known about this beforehand so I could have drank some more water!) and then they tested it to make sure that I really was pregnant. After that they took our family history and my weight and blood pressure, etc. At first, they said I would not get an ultrasound today, but they worked me in. At 1020 am this morning, I saw you.

They told me that I’m eight weeks and two days pregnant today. This puts me at a due date of February the eighth 2011. Since my birthday is the 4th, you will be the best gift that I’ve ever received!

This whole pregnancy, I have been completely one hundred and ten percent terrified. Today, I smiled and excitement flooded my veins. I am still scared about our financial situation and how we are going to manage that, but God works in mysterious ways and I know he has to have a plan. Your dad and I will continue to work hard and do our best and God will take care of the rest.

Saturday we are going to your Uncle Matt’s house in Chester, WV. He has a 4th of July party every year. It will be fun to see everyone from home.

My next doctor’s appointment is July 28th at 9:30 am. I can’t wait to see you again!



Current weight: 124 lbs.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

a new week

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Dear Baby,

Well, I told my parents about you. On Tuesday I had planned to make the drive up there so that I could tell them in person, but by the time I was done with work, I was too sick to drive. So, I made the call.

I have to say, it went much better than I thought it was going to. My mom seemed excited. She said she had a feeling that you would be coming soon. I told her that I was glad one of us had that feeling. I know that the closer it gets to the day that you are here, the more excited she and my dad will be. You, baby, will be their first grandchild.

I made my first doctor’s appointment this week also. It’s at Cheat Lake Physicians on Thursday, July the first. I’m nervous and excited about it. I’m not sure how far along I am, so that will be exciting to learn. I’m hoping that they will do a sonogram so that I can see you for the first time. But, honestly, I do not know what they will do at this appointment. I’m still trying to learn about this whole pregnancy process.

So far you have not been making my stomach feel too good. I usually feel ok until I try to eat. Also, after work, I always feel horrible. I do not know if it’s working in the heat all day, or if it’s just another natural part of being pregnant. It is probably a combination of both.

On Saturday, your dad and I are going to your cousin Nikkys’ wedding. It should be fun (even without the alcohol). All of your dads family will be there and we will get to tell more people about your existence.

My belly is getting so big already! You must be growing! My pants will not fit any longer. I can put them on but I cannot button them! Your Grandma Adams called today and said she bought me some maternity clothes from a yard sale that one of your Uncle Tim’s friends was having. I can’t wait to have clothes that are comfortable to wear!

I talked to your cousin Miranda today. She wants to have a baby so bad! But, her and her husband Brian are waiting at least another year. She will love and adore you! I think she will be more of an Aunt to you than a cousin. She is more of a friend to me than a niece.

One thing I am learning from this process is to never doubt your mothers love, even when its hard to believe someone that can fight with so much and despise at times. Because a mother goes through so many changes, so much sickness, so many questions… all during the nine months that she carries you. All of this she goes through and deals with and keeps taking the next step forward for you, the baby. Because a mothers’ love... well that starts on day one.

The day she reads ‘pregnant’ on a stick.



Current weight: 121 lbs

Sunday, June 20, 2010

the surprise

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Dear Baby,

Today we had your dads’ entire family over to celebrate your cousin Jon’s birthday. Your uncle Matt came down too. (Late, but he still made it in time for cake.)

Jon came in the house and was so surprised to see everyone here for his birthday. He had no idea! We cooked on the grill (and by we, I mean your dad… because as you will soon find out, I can’t boil water.) We had a good time. Jon received a lot of good presents. I think his favorite though was his bow that his dad got him.

As soon as your Uncle Matt got here, he asked me if I wanted everyone here so that I could tell them that I was pregnant. I couldn’t believe that he guessed! But, I lied to him, made him wait to hear the news until later.

After cake and presents, I handed out gift bags to all of your Aunts, Uncles, and Grandma and Grandpa Adams. Inside was a candle that had a “baby” scent and a baby outfit, with a note that said “we have been keeping a secret from you, we are having a baby!”

Baby, they were so excited to hear about you!!! I immediately received hugs and congratulations! Seeing them so happy made me happy.

I still have to tell my parents. Your Uncle Matt told me that I was being silly about the whole thing and that they will be very excited. I hope he is right. I am going to go up there this week to tell them.

I haven’t gone to the doctor yet. Your Aunt Amy is going to find out who a good doctor in town is and call me tomorrow with the name. I don’t know how long it takes to get to see a photo of you, or how long before we can find out your sex…. But those are the two things I am so excited for!

As for now, we have a lot of planning, a lot of saving, and a lot of everything to do. I do not know anything about having a baby. But, it’s going to be a fun learning process. And, today, I learned that I will not be alone during this process… I’ll have a ton of support from your dads’ family and from your Uncle Matt.

So far we’ve come up with a boy’s name. Burke Matthew. Burke is after your Great Grandpa Walker Burke. Matthew is after your Uncle Matt. As for a girl, we like the name Elsie. We came up with this by combining your Grandmothers names together. Elva and Nancy = Elsie. And I like the middle name Lee (that’s mine and bother of your Grandfathers middle name). But, we will just have to wait and see who you are going to be. I know it will be someone great!



Current weight: 121 lbs

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A new adventure

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Dear Baby,

I have ‘known’ for a few days now that I thought I was pregnant, but today I took an at home test.


I can describe my feelings reading the results of the test in one word, terrified. I am 26 years old, the same age that my mother was when she conceived your Uncle Matt. Yet, I feel like a child. And my mom is the one person that I am scared to tell.

Your dad could not be more excited. He is already kissing my belly and trying to tell me not to lift anything too heavy. He has wanted you his whole life.

I’ve already told a few people. After your dad I told your Grandma Adams. We had returned from church last week and I broke down in tears. I know she wanted to scream she was so excited, but contained herself for my sake. I called her today after I took the pregnancy test. I could hear her smiling.

Next, I told my best friend, or as you will know her, Aunt Jen. We grew up together and have always been best friends, the once in a lifetime type. She helps me through everything, and this is no different. No matter what happens in your life, she is someone that you can count on.

Yesterday, out of pure circumstance, I told my friend Jessica B. We have not been friends but a few years, but she cannot have her own children, and I knew she would enjoy hearing that she’ll get to watch you grow up.

So, today, I took a test… pregnant. I’m terrified. Your dad… thrilled. And that is probably how you will know us your entire life. Your mother is always worried, safe, thinking things thru, usually too much. Your dad is a thrill seeker, loves life, and takes things as they come with no fear.

Baby, whoever you are, I do love you. Don’t ever doubt that. I just want to be everything to you, and I don’t know how.

I’m not sure when I will tell your Grandma and Grandpa Holdsworth. I don’t really know how to tell them. I know that they will worry about me, worry about you, and I am doing enough of that on my own. As for your Uncle Matt, I’m sure as soon as I tell him, he will start buying you gifts. He will be a great Uncle, just as he has always been a great big brother. We plan on telling your dads family on Sunday, June 20th. They are all coming in for your Cousin Jon’s 20th surprise birthday party. I can’t wait to see their faces.

I can’t wait to see yours.


current weight: 118 lbs.