Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A brand new life

Febuary 9, 2011

Dear Bryson,

Well... here we are.  I am officially past my due date, and I am realizing that you already have characteristics of your Dad.  You are going to be stubborn!  My last doctors appointment was on Monday and you are still looking good.  You are positioned correctly, have a great heart beat, you are sucking your thumb constantly, and learning to breath on your own.  You just seem way too comfortable in there!

But, tomorrow.... it comes to an end.  I have decided with my doctor to induce labor tomorrow morning.  The longer that you stay in there, the shorter my maternity leave becomes... which means the shorter my time with you becomes! 

So, just think... tomorrow will begin a brand new life.  It will be an adventure, that is for sure!  I have not been afraid of labor this whole pregnancy, but after setting the date to get induced, I have had too much time to think.  I am questioning everything about what I have done during this pregnancy... if I have done enough, if I have done too much.  If your dad and I should have spent more time together, if we should have prepared better, if we should have worked more. 

Although I question everything in life, wonder constantly if I should have turned left instead of right.... I hope that you never wonder... never question my love, or your dads love, for you... or for each other. 

Wow... tomorrow.  Tomorrow we begin a brand new life... together.  I cannot wait to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you, to love you.  I know you are going to be a beautiful person, inside and out... you will make my life complete, you will make my heart grow, and you will make me smile every moment of every day.  I can't believe it is time already, it feels like just yesterday I read 'pregnant' on a stick.

My doctor told me to be at the hospital at 8:30 in the morning.  She also said that I should be prepared to be in labor for up to 24 hours! I hope that you decide to come faster than that!  I am only 1.5 cm dialated and 80% effaced, so I have a long way yet to go. 

Your dad is going to be with me the whole time, but we decided we should warn the hospital staff that he gets sick to his stomach easily!  That would be all I need... to have your dad faint on me! 

Your grandma Holdsworth is coming to the hospital tomorrow morning, so is your Aunt Jenny, and your Nana Adams.  Your Aunt Amy is waiting until you are born to come to the hospital because your cousin Lilley is way too excited to come to the hospital and leave without getting to see you!  Your Aunt Missy, cousin Miranda and her husband Brian are all coming in on Friday evening to visit you and your Uncle Tim and Aunt Kim are coming Saturday morning.... yes, everyone is coming to town, just for you!!  Your Uncle Matt won't get to see you for about a week because he leaves Friday for vacation in the Florida Keys! And your Grandpa Holdsworth has a cold, so he will visit as soon as he knows he won't get you sick.

I am so excited, so scared, nervous, anxious, filled with joy, love... I am speechless. 

You will come into a world surrounded by people that love you... and a family that needs  you. 

A brand new life starts tomorrow... and I will never miss my old life without you in it.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Dear baby Bryson,

I am having a really difficult day, and for me, it helps to write my frustrations.  I wanted to write this to you so that one day, when you are having a bad day, you will know that I have been through the same struggles, that I am not perfect, and that I question everything.  I hope that you can handle life's difficult moments with more grace than I have.

"Faith is blind.

There is so much to that statement. As I approach my due date to become a mother, 'faith' is something that I have pondered long and hard over.

Faith is defined as belief that is not based on proof. Yet I always want proof.

When Todd and I found out that we were unexpectedly going to become parents, the first thing we said was that we needed to find a church and find our faith. And we did find a church, which we do attend regularly. But faith, that is not as easy as waking up early on a Sunday morning.

Every morning I awake with a clear head and a smile on my face. I try to 'wake up on the right side of the bed'. Yet, it seems, it is hard to maintain that attitude throughout the day. Todd and I have a baby on the way in less than three weeks, a Jeep that is broken down which needs a new engine and we are still making payments on it, a car that needs new tires, a truck that broke down on my way to work this morning, bills that are out of control, a business that is struggling, a husband who struggles with addiction, and as of last night, a dog that is blind.

How ironic... Faith, our dog, is now blind.

I know that I am supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God only puts you through what you can handle, but how do I 'believe' when everyday is harder than the previous. I try to focus on the good, to find a way to put one foot in front of the other, but road blocks are breaking me down.

I keep telling myself that I cannot stress out, that I have to stay calm, that I can't let my husband know how much I'm struggling inside, that none of this is good for the child that I carry... but I don't have the energy to do this any longer. I have to find the faith.

I just wish that I had some sort of sign that I was not alone. I realize that I have friends and family to support me, but even that as of late has been questioned. Maybe they don't know the whole situation, but even if they did, I am not sure that hurt will ever go away.

Faith is blind. I am led around in the darkness everyday. I cannot give in, yet I do not know how to keep moving forward. I keep telling myself that I will be sent some sort of sign telling me to keep going, something to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How sad though that as bad as I am hurting the one thing I want to do is fix Faith, to get her to the vet and somehow find a way to make her ok. Yet, I do not have the money to even get her medical help. She has to be scared and alone, just like me.

Maybe, I am like my dog... and my Faith will always be blind, surrounded in darkness. "

Bryson, I love you and I cannot wait to meet you for the first time.  I cannot wait to kiss you and hold you.  I just hope that I am a good enough mother for you, because I know you deserve so much more.



Saturday, January 15, 2011

Almost Time

Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dear baby Bryson,
                I cannot believe that I am almost 37 weeks pregnant!  I will be considered ‘full-term’ on Monday, which means that you can make your appearance any day now!  At my 36 week appointment my midwife did an exam and informed me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and about 50% effaced.   She also estimated your weight at about 5.5 lbs. I hope that you stay small! 
I had your baby shower back in October.  It was so much fun!  We had so many come to welcome you!  It was held at a little local place called “The Frosted Mug”.  This is where your dad and I went on our first date!  Everyone dressed in their favorite football team jersey or shirt and we had a little ‘pre-game’ party in your honor!  (since your due date is the day after the super bowl this year)  We received so many nice gifts for you!  Things that are necessities and things are just super cute!  We even got a few Steelers outfits for you!
                Christmas was really hard for me this year.  Everywhere that I looked I saw a happy couple with their new baby and it made me want you here so bad!  Your dad and I spent Christmas day at my parents house, and the day after Christmas we spent at home and the entire Adams family came to celebrate.  At that Christmas dinner, your cousin Miranda (although I am sure you will call her Aunt Miranda) and her husband Brian announced that they are pregnant!  I was so excited for them, but also for you!  Now I know that you will have a cousin your age to grow up with!  Miranda is exactly 27 weeks behind me in her pregnancy.  She is due August the 15th.
When I woke up on December the 27th, I realized that you had dropped!  My belly was so much lower than it had previously been.  That was my first sign that soon you would be here!   After that, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, I began nesting!  I am running around the house like a crazy woman!  I cannot seem to sit still long enough to relax.  But with this, your nursery is now complete and our home is spotless.  My hospital bags are packed, and the car seat is installed in the car.  The only thing I am waiting on is you!!!
                I remember when I found out that I was pregnant, no, before that…. when I had a ‘gut’ feeling that I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  And I guess I still am a little, but not about labor or about being a mother, but about not being good enough for you.  Because you, my baby, deserve more than anyone else in this world.  You are my world and I have not yet met you, you are my life and I have not yet held you.  Bryson, I never knew how much I could love someone, until your dad and I created you.
                So, baby, anytime you are ready… please come out.  I need you so badly!  I need to hold you and kiss you and know that you are healthy and safe.  I need to go to sleep at night knowing that at any time during the night I can get up and hold you in my arms.  I’ve only truly loved twice in my life.  Once with your father, and now you.  With every move you make in my belly…. My heart skips a beat.  I cannot wait to see your face, squeeze your tiny little hand, and watch you love your father. 
                I cannot wait to be a family of three.  <3

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

so much has happened

Sunday, October 24, 2010
Dear Baby,
                So much has happened since the last time I wrote to you.  I do not know why it has been so long, but I believe it is because I feel you move all the time now so I just speak to you at those moments.
                But, I need to catch you up on all that has happened. 
                On Thursday, September 16th, your dad and I lay in bed and he had his head on my belly.  We were talking and laughing about life when he told me that he could hear you moving around in my belly.  I told him that he was crazy and making things up.  But as soon as he lifted his head… you kicked.  And, you kicked exactly where he was laying!  I just said ‘whoa!’ and your dad said ‘I told you that I heard the baby moving!”.  I grabbed his hand and placed it on my belly and immediately you kicked again.  So, that night, for the first time… your dad and I both got to feel you move.  It was a moment in my life that I will never forget.
The following Sunday, my best friend Jen traveled two hours to visit with us.  Needless to say, your dad and her had a ‘little’ too much to drink that night.  But, it was entertaining for me!  They both talked about how excited they were about you.  Jen lay beside me and talked to you for about an hour.  She gave you advice and told you that she would prefer to be called Aunt Jenny instead of Aunt Jen. 
                The next day, September 20th, your Grandma Adams met Jen, your dad, and myself at our house and we drove a very long 20 minutes to the doctor’s office.  It was a long 20 minutes because at this appointment they would do an ultrasound that would tell us if you were a little boy or a little girl.  But before that ultrasound I had to drink 32 oz of water and hold it!  I was miserable!  And your dad drove, so of course he hit every pothole! 
                The ultrasound was very exciting! The technician looked you over from head to toe.  She made sure everything looked exactly the way it should… and then… with all four of us about to burst at the seams from excitement…. She finally told us that you were a ….. GIRL!
                I immediately looked to your father, who has only ever talked about having a little boy, and he just smiled.  I told him that he could still take you fishing with him and he would have to buy you a little pink fishing pole.  He just said, ‘I will buy her a pole and take her fishing…. But I will not buy her a pink pole.’  Ha… we will see.  I know he is going to be wrapped around your little finger.  Heck, he already is.
Your dad and I struggle every day with our financial situation.  No one is to blame about the situation that we are in except ourselves, but we have to find a way out.  After finding out that you are going to be a little girl, your dad picked up a second job.  He now works a midnight shift, 10:30 pm to 7 am, Saturday thru Wednesday.  When he gets home from work, he goes up to his shop and works on his own business till about 2 in the afternoon.  He then sleeps until 9 pm, and does it again.  I have never seen your dad work so hard, grow up so fast, or sacrifice so much.  He is a strong, brave, loving man.             
                Recently, you are moving more and more.  Your movements are so strong that we can see you move.  I think that you sleep most of the day while I drive for work, and when I get home and settle in for the night you wake up.  Your strongest movements are from about 8 pm to 10 pm. 
                I had another doctor’s appointment on October 18th.  Everything went smoothly and I got to hear your heart beat again!  It was 140 bpm.
                So far I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy.  I love hearing your heart beat, feeling you move, seeing you move thru my belly, and seeing you on the ultrasound screen.  But, I hate feeling tired all day every day, having trouble bending over, getting comfortable in bed, getting comfortable in general, feeling ‘fat’ all of the time, not being able to shave my legs, being hungry all the time, and I miss being able to see my feet!  But, I have a feeling that this is all going to be worth it when I get to hold you for the first time.
After long discussions and debates, we decided to name you Bryson Lee Adams.  Bryson was my paternal grandmother’s maiden name.  Her name was Margaret Bryson before she married my grandfather Stanley Holdsworth.  Lee is not only my middle name but also both of your grandfather’s middle names.  So, there is a lot of history in your name.  And… a lot of love.
                On Saturday, October 30th, we are having your baby shower!  I am so excited to see everyone and to get started on getting all of the things that you will need once you make your grand arrival into our world. 
                Bryson, I love you.  We all do.  You have already changed our world for the better.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

why, how, when, where

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Dear Baby,

Some things in life happen so fast that you can’t really recall what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. This week has all been a reminder of that for me. And for your father.

Monday was our two year wedding anniversary, which got me thinking about when and how I fell in love with your dad. I can’t really remember the moment when I realized I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to say that I knew from the first day, and I did have that ‘gut’ feeling, but as for a specific moment in time, I cannot remember. People often ask for reasons as to why I love him, and often, I cannot give individual reasons.

But, on Monday, I also got to return to the doctors to check on you. They did the normal exams and tests and then listened to your heart beat. It was 150 beats per minute. Hearing that heart beat was the best anniversary present for your father and me. We may not have a lot of money, but no amount could replace that gift.

Tuesday began like any other day, we woke up, said our ‘I love you’s’ and I left for work. My boss had asked if I could cover a route in Fairmont to help another driver, and I did. About 9:45 am that morning, after making two deliveries, a car pulled out in front of me and I couldn’t stop. I hit them broadside and then the impact pushed me into a guardrail. I got out of the truck with blood rushing down my left arm from the impact of the airbag. Everyone was running towards me. And immediately I started praying that you were ok.

They called 911 and an ambulance was sent. Meanwhile I had a lady who was there helping call your dad to let him know what had happened. He answered the phone and as soon as he heard a strange voice, started to cry. He said he knew something bad had happened. He jumped in his jeep and told the lady he would meet me at the emergency room in Fairmont.

I reached the emergency room and your dad was still not there. Meanwhile, the doctors checked my arm and did x-rays to make sure that no bone was broken. Finally, they listened for your heartbeat, I cried as they search, and I cried even harder as I heard it beat. It was the best sound in the world.

Your dad finally arrived. He asked if I was ok, as he looked at my bloody, black and blue arm, then with tears in his eyes, asked about you. We cried together when I told him that I had heard your heart beat. After we calmed down, I asked what had taken him so long to get to me. Turns out his day was going about as well as mine.

After receiving the call that I was going to the ER, your dad jumped in his jeep and headed to Fairmont. He made it onto the interstate and about four or so miles when he jeep powered off. He said he took a shirt out of his jeep and put it in the window, then started running. He ran over two and a half miles when a state trooper pulled up beside him and asked ‘where are you going in such a hurry?’. Your dad explained to him the situation and the police officer told him to get in. He so kindly drove your dad the rest of the 20 or so miles to the hospital.

Upon hearing this story, I asked your dad if he had just planned on running the rest of the way to the hospital. He just simply said ‘yes’.

Your grandma and grandpa Adams and your cousin Jon all made it to the emergency room also. My arm was not broken, just badly bruised. After returning home, we called for a tow truck to get your dads jeep and my mom came down. It was so nice to have all of these people around that love me, your dad, and you. I called my midwife to let her know what had happened and she returned my call this morning.

I went in at 10 am for an emergency ultrasound to make sure you were ok. Your dad held my hand the whole time. I was so afraid that you could still be hurt. But, as we watched you on the screen, we saw your heart beat, we saw you roll over, stretch, rub your eyes, and you even seemed to ‘wave’ to us. I smiled and cried the whole time.

In looking back over the last few days I’ve come to a few conclusions. Although I can’t remember exactly what happened in that car accident and I don’t know how exactly it happened, I do know why it happened. This whole pregnancy I’ve been asking myself if I was ready to be a mom, questioning if I was truly happy about you, ‘our surprise’. But, as I lay on the ground beside my truck, praying that you were ok, I knew at that moment how ready I was for you, how excited I am to have you be in my life, how happy I am to have been blessed by you. Never again will I question that. I can also tell you that I fell in love all over again with your dad that day. As he layed beside me in the hospital crying and telling me how he was running to us, I remembered that even if I don’t remember when I fell in love with him, I will always remember why. I love your dad because he is willing to run as far as he has to in order to be by my side… by our side. He doesn’t question what he is doing or how bad it is going to hurt, he just runs.

I can’t wait to see you again.



Current weight: 130 lbs.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

its all about heart

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Dear Baby,

I had my second doctor’s appointment today. Your dad did not go with me, though he asked if I wanted him there. But, he had work to do and we need as much work as we can get before you make your appearance into this world.

The appointment went well. They ran a bunch of tests and examined me to make sure everything was going as according to ‘plan’. So far… so good. I got to hear your heartbeat again! It is so amazing to hear you. Every day I have to remind myself that you are with me, that you are my baby that I’m carrying. It feels like I’m dreaming and the only time I escape that dream is when I get to hear your heart beat.

The doctor said you have a healthy heart beat of 160 beats per minute.

Up to this point I’ve been feeling ok. I’ve had my days that I can’t get up enough energy to get out of bed and other days that I seem completely normal. Some days I can’t seem to get enough to eat, while others I take three bites and suddenly can’t eat anymore. My cravings so far haven’t been too extreme. Ice cream and spaghetti. But I loved those two foods before I was pregnant. I hope you love spaghetti too because it is the only food that I know how to cook!

February the eighth… that’s when the doctors are saying you will be in this world, in my world, and I can’t wait. You have already brought me and your dad closer and I did not know that was possible. You have also got the two of us to start going back to church. You, baby, you are my unplanned miracle, the one that I didn’t know I needed and you are already changing my whole world.



Current weight: 124 lbs.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Thursday, July 01, 2010

             Dear Baby,

Today…. I saw you for the very first time.

                I heard your heart beat.

Today… was amazing.

               I fell more in love with you today.

My doctor’s appointment was this morning. I had to miss half a day worth of work, but you where so worth every minute. Your dad and I waited almost an hour to get in with the doctor. (Well, midwife) First they had me pee in a cup (wish I would have known about this beforehand so I could have drank some more water!) and then they tested it to make sure that I really was pregnant. After that they took our family history and my weight and blood pressure, etc. At first, they said I would not get an ultrasound today, but they worked me in. At 1020 am this morning, I saw you.

They told me that I’m eight weeks and two days pregnant today. This puts me at a due date of February the eighth 2011. Since my birthday is the 4th, you will be the best gift that I’ve ever received!

This whole pregnancy, I have been completely one hundred and ten percent terrified. Today, I smiled and excitement flooded my veins. I am still scared about our financial situation and how we are going to manage that, but God works in mysterious ways and I know he has to have a plan. Your dad and I will continue to work hard and do our best and God will take care of the rest.

Saturday we are going to your Uncle Matt’s house in Chester, WV. He has a 4th of July party every year. It will be fun to see everyone from home.

My next doctor’s appointment is July 28th at 9:30 am. I can’t wait to see you again!



Current weight: 124 lbs.