Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A brand new life

Febuary 9, 2011

Dear Bryson,

Well... here we are.  I am officially past my due date, and I am realizing that you already have characteristics of your Dad.  You are going to be stubborn!  My last doctors appointment was on Monday and you are still looking good.  You are positioned correctly, have a great heart beat, you are sucking your thumb constantly, and learning to breath on your own.  You just seem way too comfortable in there!

But, tomorrow.... it comes to an end.  I have decided with my doctor to induce labor tomorrow morning.  The longer that you stay in there, the shorter my maternity leave becomes... which means the shorter my time with you becomes! 

So, just think... tomorrow will begin a brand new life.  It will be an adventure, that is for sure!  I have not been afraid of labor this whole pregnancy, but after setting the date to get induced, I have had too much time to think.  I am questioning everything about what I have done during this pregnancy... if I have done enough, if I have done too much.  If your dad and I should have spent more time together, if we should have prepared better, if we should have worked more. 

Although I question everything in life, wonder constantly if I should have turned left instead of right.... I hope that you never wonder... never question my love, or your dads love, for you... or for each other. 

Wow... tomorrow.  Tomorrow we begin a brand new life... together.  I cannot wait to meet you, to hold you, to kiss you, to love you.  I know you are going to be a beautiful person, inside and out... you will make my life complete, you will make my heart grow, and you will make me smile every moment of every day.  I can't believe it is time already, it feels like just yesterday I read 'pregnant' on a stick.

My doctor told me to be at the hospital at 8:30 in the morning.  She also said that I should be prepared to be in labor for up to 24 hours! I hope that you decide to come faster than that!  I am only 1.5 cm dialated and 80% effaced, so I have a long way yet to go. 

Your dad is going to be with me the whole time, but we decided we should warn the hospital staff that he gets sick to his stomach easily!  That would be all I need... to have your dad faint on me! 

Your grandma Holdsworth is coming to the hospital tomorrow morning, so is your Aunt Jenny, and your Nana Adams.  Your Aunt Amy is waiting until you are born to come to the hospital because your cousin Lilley is way too excited to come to the hospital and leave without getting to see you!  Your Aunt Missy, cousin Miranda and her husband Brian are all coming in on Friday evening to visit you and your Uncle Tim and Aunt Kim are coming Saturday morning.... yes, everyone is coming to town, just for you!!  Your Uncle Matt won't get to see you for about a week because he leaves Friday for vacation in the Florida Keys! And your Grandpa Holdsworth has a cold, so he will visit as soon as he knows he won't get you sick.

I am so excited, so scared, nervous, anxious, filled with joy, love... I am speechless. 

You will come into a world surrounded by people that love you... and a family that needs  you. 

A brand new life starts tomorrow... and I will never miss my old life without you in it.


Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Dear baby Bryson,

I am having a really difficult day, and for me, it helps to write my frustrations.  I wanted to write this to you so that one day, when you are having a bad day, you will know that I have been through the same struggles, that I am not perfect, and that I question everything.  I hope that you can handle life's difficult moments with more grace than I have.

"Faith is blind.

There is so much to that statement. As I approach my due date to become a mother, 'faith' is something that I have pondered long and hard over.

Faith is defined as belief that is not based on proof. Yet I always want proof.

When Todd and I found out that we were unexpectedly going to become parents, the first thing we said was that we needed to find a church and find our faith. And we did find a church, which we do attend regularly. But faith, that is not as easy as waking up early on a Sunday morning.

Every morning I awake with a clear head and a smile on my face. I try to 'wake up on the right side of the bed'. Yet, it seems, it is hard to maintain that attitude throughout the day. Todd and I have a baby on the way in less than three weeks, a Jeep that is broken down which needs a new engine and we are still making payments on it, a car that needs new tires, a truck that broke down on my way to work this morning, bills that are out of control, a business that is struggling, a husband who struggles with addiction, and as of last night, a dog that is blind.

How ironic... Faith, our dog, is now blind.

I know that I am supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God only puts you through what you can handle, but how do I 'believe' when everyday is harder than the previous. I try to focus on the good, to find a way to put one foot in front of the other, but road blocks are breaking me down.

I keep telling myself that I cannot stress out, that I have to stay calm, that I can't let my husband know how much I'm struggling inside, that none of this is good for the child that I carry... but I don't have the energy to do this any longer. I have to find the faith.

I just wish that I had some sort of sign that I was not alone. I realize that I have friends and family to support me, but even that as of late has been questioned. Maybe they don't know the whole situation, but even if they did, I am not sure that hurt will ever go away.

Faith is blind. I am led around in the darkness everyday. I cannot give in, yet I do not know how to keep moving forward. I keep telling myself that I will be sent some sort of sign telling me to keep going, something to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How sad though that as bad as I am hurting the one thing I want to do is fix Faith, to get her to the vet and somehow find a way to make her ok. Yet, I do not have the money to even get her medical help. She has to be scared and alone, just like me.

Maybe, I am like my dog... and my Faith will always be blind, surrounded in darkness. "

Bryson, I love you and I cannot wait to meet you for the first time.  I cannot wait to kiss you and hold you.  I just hope that I am a good enough mother for you, because I know you deserve so much more.



Saturday, January 15, 2011

Almost Time

Saturday, January 15, 2011
Dear baby Bryson,
                I cannot believe that I am almost 37 weeks pregnant!  I will be considered ‘full-term’ on Monday, which means that you can make your appearance any day now!  At my 36 week appointment my midwife did an exam and informed me that I was 1.5 cm dilated and about 50% effaced.   She also estimated your weight at about 5.5 lbs. I hope that you stay small! 
I had your baby shower back in October.  It was so much fun!  We had so many come to welcome you!  It was held at a little local place called “The Frosted Mug”.  This is where your dad and I went on our first date!  Everyone dressed in their favorite football team jersey or shirt and we had a little ‘pre-game’ party in your honor!  (since your due date is the day after the super bowl this year)  We received so many nice gifts for you!  Things that are necessities and things are just super cute!  We even got a few Steelers outfits for you!
                Christmas was really hard for me this year.  Everywhere that I looked I saw a happy couple with their new baby and it made me want you here so bad!  Your dad and I spent Christmas day at my parents house, and the day after Christmas we spent at home and the entire Adams family came to celebrate.  At that Christmas dinner, your cousin Miranda (although I am sure you will call her Aunt Miranda) and her husband Brian announced that they are pregnant!  I was so excited for them, but also for you!  Now I know that you will have a cousin your age to grow up with!  Miranda is exactly 27 weeks behind me in her pregnancy.  She is due August the 15th.
When I woke up on December the 27th, I realized that you had dropped!  My belly was so much lower than it had previously been.  That was my first sign that soon you would be here!   After that, about 2 or 3 weeks ago, I began nesting!  I am running around the house like a crazy woman!  I cannot seem to sit still long enough to relax.  But with this, your nursery is now complete and our home is spotless.  My hospital bags are packed, and the car seat is installed in the car.  The only thing I am waiting on is you!!!
                I remember when I found out that I was pregnant, no, before that…. when I had a ‘gut’ feeling that I was pregnant.  I was terrified.  And I guess I still am a little, but not about labor or about being a mother, but about not being good enough for you.  Because you, my baby, deserve more than anyone else in this world.  You are my world and I have not yet met you, you are my life and I have not yet held you.  Bryson, I never knew how much I could love someone, until your dad and I created you.
                So, baby, anytime you are ready… please come out.  I need you so badly!  I need to hold you and kiss you and know that you are healthy and safe.  I need to go to sleep at night knowing that at any time during the night I can get up and hold you in my arms.  I’ve only truly loved twice in my life.  Once with your father, and now you.  With every move you make in my belly…. My heart skips a beat.  I cannot wait to see your face, squeeze your tiny little hand, and watch you love your father. 
                I cannot wait to be a family of three.  <3