Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Dear baby Bryson,

I am having a really difficult day, and for me, it helps to write my frustrations.  I wanted to write this to you so that one day, when you are having a bad day, you will know that I have been through the same struggles, that I am not perfect, and that I question everything.  I hope that you can handle life's difficult moments with more grace than I have.

"Faith is blind.

There is so much to that statement. As I approach my due date to become a mother, 'faith' is something that I have pondered long and hard over.

Faith is defined as belief that is not based on proof. Yet I always want proof.

When Todd and I found out that we were unexpectedly going to become parents, the first thing we said was that we needed to find a church and find our faith. And we did find a church, which we do attend regularly. But faith, that is not as easy as waking up early on a Sunday morning.

Every morning I awake with a clear head and a smile on my face. I try to 'wake up on the right side of the bed'. Yet, it seems, it is hard to maintain that attitude throughout the day. Todd and I have a baby on the way in less than three weeks, a Jeep that is broken down which needs a new engine and we are still making payments on it, a car that needs new tires, a truck that broke down on my way to work this morning, bills that are out of control, a business that is struggling, a husband who struggles with addiction, and as of last night, a dog that is blind.

How ironic... Faith, our dog, is now blind.

I know that I am supposed to believe that everything happens for a reason. That God only puts you through what you can handle, but how do I 'believe' when everyday is harder than the previous. I try to focus on the good, to find a way to put one foot in front of the other, but road blocks are breaking me down.

I keep telling myself that I cannot stress out, that I have to stay calm, that I can't let my husband know how much I'm struggling inside, that none of this is good for the child that I carry... but I don't have the energy to do this any longer. I have to find the faith.

I just wish that I had some sort of sign that I was not alone. I realize that I have friends and family to support me, but even that as of late has been questioned. Maybe they don't know the whole situation, but even if they did, I am not sure that hurt will ever go away.

Faith is blind. I am led around in the darkness everyday. I cannot give in, yet I do not know how to keep moving forward. I keep telling myself that I will be sent some sort of sign telling me to keep going, something to tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

How sad though that as bad as I am hurting the one thing I want to do is fix Faith, to get her to the vet and somehow find a way to make her ok. Yet, I do not have the money to even get her medical help. She has to be scared and alone, just like me.

Maybe, I am like my dog... and my Faith will always be blind, surrounded in darkness. "

Bryson, I love you and I cannot wait to meet you for the first time.  I cannot wait to kiss you and hold you.  I just hope that I am a good enough mother for you, because I know you deserve so much more.



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